This isn't meant to be a reintroduction or anything. I just really wanted to share my story. I don't know how you will respond, but it means a lot to me just that you read this.
My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. She is so in love with me, it's almost worth laughing at. In our time together, she's always been what actually motivated me. Before her, I only dreamed of doing things, no matter how small the idea was, it was too much for me.
How we met is a different story, a great story, for another time, this story is why I'm on YouTube and even WHY I'm on YTtalk today.
A year or two ago, I got a job at a pizzeria, I know this seems disconnected, but stay with me. I loved that pizzeria and it's staff. I worked hard to make that place feel happy and everyone was. Then our management changed. The new manager did NOT like me for a lot of really petty reasons, but I stayed loyal, did my work, and kept pushing forward. After he fired almost everybody in the store, there were only a couple of us left, so we were in a bad spot worker-wise. Long story short, I became his assistant manager. I needed the money, so I kept working. Then I started to get sick and my manager would still demand I come into work whether I had a fever, was throwing up, it didn't matter to him. After a while I got really depressed, like, drinking every night after work, sleeping for 4 hours, waking up, going back to work for 12 more hours, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Another long story short, I would later be fired with no reason on January 1st 2016, and I owed rent in a week. But my wife and I, we're crafty individuals, so we managed to pull it together, get new jobs. I worked with my brother doing construction until I can find another kitchen job. When I finally did, I was so happy.
This job was not only near my house, but it was a new business open to fresh ideas and wanted to see my skills in action! In this first week, I had created a new fry recipe that had other owners coming in to order. I was so freaking proud!! About a week later, a guy that's known around my town for being a s****y person managed to get his foot in the door, talk bad about me, and get me fired. That hurt, a lot. I tend to take stuff too personally, that's my fault. A week later he was fired for drinking beer while on duty in service. Lol, BURN!
So, I called an old boss, got a job in his kitchen, which was hooked on to a gas station, a REALLY low quality place. They said they wanted me to run the whole operation, but when I'd put in orders for my stock, I'd never get it. I was always missing some ingredients and was always being asked to make food for random people for free. Needless to say, minimum wage didn't feel worth it. But again, I was willing to just put my head down and work through it.
MEANWHILE, my wife is also working but she starts worry. See, I have eczema, and for those of you that don't know, it's an insanely itchy skin condition that starts to burn if you scratch it. It is not contagious, it has NO cures, it can be on any part of your body, and can activate from LITERALLY anything. It differs from person to person what actually sets you off and can even change during your life. My main issues AT THE MOMENT are smoke, salt, sweat, and the WORST one is stress. If I get stress, I start scratching, and it's not even a conscious action! I even do it in my sleep!
"Well, bro, I recommend you stop stressing stuff, get some candles, whatever you gotta do." and I know, you're right, but there's another issue. I have PTSD. I've had it my whole life and don't have nearly enough time or energy to explain why it's a huge metaphorical ball vice. But I don't medicate it, as I don't trust pharmaceuticals.
So, what's that got to do with eczema? Well, the way the brain works is; If something puts you in danger or makes you feel physically nervous, my fight/flight reflex kicks on, your brain stresses that your body needs to get to safety or whatever it is you need at the time. For me, it's backwards, I'm constantly nervous unless I'm presented with an overwhelming obstacle. I don't know why I'm wired this way, but I can tell you...it makes me itchy! Lol. So I'm constantly freaked out by the smallest things. Small stresses get amplified by my weirdo-mindset and two minutes later, I'm almost crying because we ran out of cookies and I don't know how we'll ever get more. It's silly, but it's just what I have to deal with.
So, when little things happen, I get nervous and start scratching. If I'm sweaty, my skins peels off like paper almost, it's aggravating and makes you feel hideous.
One day, I'm watching YouTubers and I start bitching about how i"t doesn't take a thousand deaths to get through this level." "Why would you be a YouTube Gamer or a Twitch Streamer if you're not good at gaming?" "This guy doesn't know anything about game mechanics!" and so on. Now, my wife, she declares me the best gamer she's seen in her life, and she's a little older than me, so I believe her.
So, one day, she mentions that she doesn't like that I work in kitchens. She said "The freezer to grill temp change is bad for your skin, that place isn't vented properly, they're not looking out for you. I think you should quit, I'll get another job for now, since I have more random skills." So I did. On my 25th birthday of this year, I worked my last shift and went home to figure out what to do now.
How? How am I supposed to work without sweating? How do I protect my skin and mind and earn money at the same time? TWITCH! I'll become a Twitch Partner! They'll let me run ads and I'll stream for like...12 hours a day! I can do that easily, I practically do it already!
So I had a plan, but it had it's holes. For example, I only have 33 followers on twitch, lol. You need 500 CONCURRENT viewers. But then I saw YouTube. I thought to myself, that's like TV. You can watch it at YOUR leisure instead of trying to catch my stream. So I started chopping my streams to make videos and get on YouTube.
But, as you know, growth is a slow process and I'm fine with that. Because she is not only convinced that I'll succeed, she's accepted it as truth. She points to PewDiePie and Markiplier and JackSepticEye and she says "You play better than them, you make better jokes, you're smart, it's a good idea."
So, because I needed to work on something that wouldn't make me sweat or stress, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to prove that not all nerds look alike, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to prove to myself that just because I've always been anonymous, doesn't mean I HAVE to be.
Because I wanted to teach people how powerful interactive media is, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to explain the beauty behind the simplest and most basic things, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to have a community of friends that wouldn't let me hate on myself, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted someone to make an animation of my gameplay lines taken from context, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to feel what it's like to have a fan I'm not sleeping with, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to show people that philosophy is a universal tool that can teach you 10,000 things from 1 thing, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to share my fun with my friends from other countries, so it'd be like we're playing together, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to prove to everyone that gaming is NOT a waste of time, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to be recognized for my individual skills and tactics, I got on YouTube.
Because I never had a Pro Gaming Team to join, I got on YouTube.
Because I love video games more than a lot of other people, I got on YouTube.
Because people like Leafy can get popular, I got on YouTube.
Because I wanted to inspire someone to greatness, I got on YouTube.
Finally, because my wife looks at the laptop we borrowed from someone and says "THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW!" I'll stay on YouTube.
I gotta wrap this up, my anxiety about opening up this much to people is driving me nuts.
Thank you for reading this, I know you now know me A LOT more than you needed to, but hopefully you'll give me the chance to meet you. Thanks again.
Until next time,
I'm Pro Rik
And I'm out.
altho I cannot say how you feel.
