Your thoughts on a script?

ThatBoySab

ThatBoySab

I've Got It
Hey YouTubers,

I have came up with a script for a little short film. I was wondering what is stuff I can change and make it better.

Code: 
Never doubt yourself – Short film

Characters:
Sab – Dad
Sam – 10 year old 3 grader
Kalie – Sam’s older sister
Elsa – Sam’s younger sister

Sab (dad) wearing: Suit, business professional.
Camera shot sideways while pulling up in the drive way
10 seconds past.
   
Sab walks inside – “Guys I’m home”
-Walks over to the room Sam and Kalie are staying in, hears Sam speaking to Kalie.
-Dad stays at the door for 10 seconds until Sam says she has failed the fourth grade.
-Dad walks in!

Script:
Dad: “YOU did WHAT?”
Sam: “Dad, please I will explain”
Dad: “You wanna explain to me how you can possibly fail a grade?”
Kalie: “Dad relax, she’s already in a bad mood don’t make it worse on her”
Dad: “KALIE GO TO YOUR ROOM, NOW!”
Kalie: “But…. DAD”
Dad: “ENOUGH! TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Sam: “Dad, I’m sorry PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING PLEASE”
Dad: “Beats Sam up with a belt, and punches her in the face”

Sab punches camera – to make it look like a first person hit.

New Scene:
Sam is sleeping and starts shaking, Kalie wakes her up.
Sam: “I just had the worst dream ever!”
Kalie: “What happened”
Sam: “It was a dream I failed a class, and I got a big whooping from dad.
Kalie: “SAM look, the mailman is here, our report cards came!”
Sam: -Talks to her self- -Sad voice- “I hope I passed, I hope I passed, I hope I passed”
Kalie: “Kalie comes in with the mail”
Sam: “Open it Open it”
Kalie: -Opens hers- “I Passed!”
Sam: “Opens hers- “YES! I passed”
Out of nowhere – Elsa: -opens hers- “I failed……”
Dad: YOU DID WHAT?
-End-
 
I like it. I like the angle ideas, too.
Only thing I can think of is I hope its meant to be funny because its coming across as comedy. If you were going for like a domestic violence ad or something, you might wanna reconsider. :p
 
Cabbage Hunters said:
I like it. I like the angle ideas, too.
Only thing I can think of is I hope its meant to be funny because its coming across as comedy. If you were going for like a domestic violence ad or something, you might wanna reconsider. :p
Click to expand...
Its mostly for comedy. Also, some parts like the beating is meant to be serious. Kinda.
 
ThatBoySab said:
Hey YouTubers,

I have came up with a script for a little short film. I was wondering what is stuff I can change and make it better.

Code: 
Never doubt yourself – Short film

Characters:
Sab – Dad
Sam – 10 year old 3 grader
Kalie – Sam’s older sister
Elsa – Sam’s younger sister

Sab (dad) wearing: Suit, business professional.
Camera shot sideways while pulling up in the drive way
10 seconds past.
  
Sab walks inside – “Guys I’m home”
-Walks over to the room Sam and Kalie are staying in, hears Sam speaking to Kalie.
-Dad stays at the door for 10 seconds until Sam says she has failed the fourth grade.
-Dad walks in!

Script:
Dad: “YOU did WHAT?”
Sam: “Dad, please I will explain”
Dad: “You wanna explain to me how you can possibly fail a grade?”
Kalie: “Dad relax, she’s already in a bad mood don’t make it worse on her”
Dad: “KALIE GO TO YOUR ROOM, NOW!”
Kalie: “But…. DAD”
Dad: “ENOUGH! TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Sam: “Dad, I’m sorry PLEASE DON’T DO ANYTHING PLEASE”
Dad: “Beats Sam up with a belt, and punches her in the face”

Sab punches camera – to make it look like a first person hit.

New Scene:
Sam is sleeping and starts shaking, Kalie wakes her up.
Sam: “I just had the worst dream ever!”
Kalie: “What happened”
Sam: “It was a dream I failed a class, and I got a big whooping from dad.
Kalie: “SAM look, the mailman is here, our report cards came!”
Sam: -Talks to her self- -Sad voice- “I hope I passed, I hope I passed, I hope I passed”
Kalie: “Kalie comes in with the mail”
Sam: “Open it Open it”
Kalie: -Opens hers- “I Passed!”
Sam: “Opens hers- “YES! I passed”
Out of nowhere – Elsa: -opens hers- “I failed……”
Dad: YOU DID WHAT?
-End-
Click to expand...
sorta dark lol. Now if you added "dad puts down beer and starts slowly unbuckling belt" after "You did what?", it would be extremely dark and I'm sure it would stir up controversy
 
I'm not going to lie, I know it's meant to be comedy and as the person I am I can see this. But you probably shouldn't JOKE about this stuff just because of how it will be perceived by the rest of the community, not only that it's a very serious topic and shouldn't really be joked about.
 
Kate (Caitlin) said:
I'm not going to lie, I know it's meant to be comedy and as the person I am I can see this. But you probably shouldn't JOKE about this stuff just because of how it will be perceived by the rest of the community, not only that it's a very serious topic and shouldn't really be joked about.
Click to expand...
What shouldn't be joked about? The Beating or failing?
 
Kate (Caitlin) said:
Domestic abuse... ._.
Click to expand...
I see where you're coming from. But you also have to see it in other peoples perspective. Not every parent will let a failing grade pass by like its nothing. The film wont have me beating up the child. lol It will just assume that I am. You get me?
 
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