Michael
I Love YTtalk
I can relate to what you are saying really well. I come from almost the same idea.
I am a person, who is really passionate about music, everyone has something that gets them through the day, and since I was a child music was always a big deal for me, as well as the household I grew up on. And what happened was, when I grew older and moved to Denmark, being 18 and stupid, I spend 4 years using alcohol as the thing that gets me thourgh the day. And that came from the fact that, as a person who has anxiety, and any one can relate to that, you need to find something to function.
So when ever there would be a social gathering of some sorts or simply being at the local bar, it would be 2 hours of heavy drinking, till some sort of switch flips and you become "normal". And that was 18-22
And anyone who has a history of either abusing alcohol or indulging on a daily basis knows, that besides the side effects there is one other issue, is that you become "that drunk guy". And I am really classy drunk, I can be loaded, but I can still be in control of the situation. However, that did not matter, because I was "ou the person whos drunk always". The worst thing is that eventually it gets under your skin and you start believing that, hence you yourself will reduce your worth to "well I guess I am the fun drunk guy, and nothing more of value". And that is horrible.
And a year ago, I decided that I am done with this, and I cant stand this state anymore, and like a bad relationship break up, when you stop a big aspect of your life you will lost. And thats what happened to me, and plus having all my friends move to the capital, all of a sudden I caught myself alone, sober, not understanding how to operate in the world, without being wasted, as well as having no worth.
So I came back to something I always loved and was doing all this time, was the music and the guitar play. As well as being a person who resonated really well with the blues I was able to find myself in it, in a way that my brain was "if you can learn to do this good enough, that will be your worth now", and it became my medication for the "detox" you.
And the reason why I started YT, was because I felt comfortable enough in my playing, but still had that exposing myself anxiety, so I thought it would be great.
And I can see how much it helped me, and how big of a change it did for me, since if you look at my very first video, I was so freaked out there, that I even made a spelling mistake in the backdrop of the songs name. I didnt use a camera because I was too scared, as well as after I uploaded the song, I logged out and did not check YT statistics for 1 week, being afraid to get a reaction.
Now I enjoy having a camera, and I feel comfortable in terms of recognition. And I am taking these last 2 months break to get hopefully better at singing, to do even a better job. And it is amazing.
And that is why I think something like YT is great, and also YTtalk forum as a "lets all gather here and chat about our creativity". It is such a great and in a way pure way to express yourself and try something that you want to do. Its absolutely amazing.
Damn sorry to hear all that but its very good you have come out of it all good and have found something you love doing, thats a great story.