My first episode feedback (incomplete)

[ShiniOuji]

So I finally posted my first incomplete episode for my series game topic, and before I continue to work more on it, I was hoping to get some feedback and a review. I want to fix it, but I don't know what to fix. Anyways, thanks for the review in the long run

 

[coliwob]

Not bad at all.

You were verging on some quite pongient thoughts in some moments but were on the cusp of utter ******** in the next.

All in all I liked it, I like introspective kinds of things and a close look at our relation ship with games is something in find interesting but you do need to edit that script more.

 

[ShiniOuji]

Not bad at all.

You were verging on some quite pongient thoughts in some moments but were on the cusp of utter ******** in the next.

All in all I liked it, I like introspective kinds of things and a close look at our relation ship with games is something in find interesting but you do need to edit that script more.

Hmm, I believe you are right about editing the script, I only wrote it in 1 day so maybe there is a lot of mistakes, and some parts do seem irrelevant. I guess i should also work on my transitions too.
thanks anyways

 

[coliwob]

You should look at what points you are making, if it was me I would explain how when we are in single player we actually alone, use all your empty world material there, make it a little sad and then turn it around by pointing out that in actual fact there is an interaction going on, however one sided, because somewhere somebody made the missions and the stories and what not and that because of that basic interaction we are not alone while playing somebody's creation, we are letting somebody speak to us, in a manner of speaking, we being told a story and to be told a story requires a story teller and that means that you're not really alone, some small part of someone else is with you. Or something

Rewriting is good