your banner fine i guess, im not a huge fan on the font/type you used.
your commentating isnt that bad, but you should try speaking more often. your mic volume is to low, alot of times I cant hear what your saying, try lowering your ingame volume or raising your mic. also a few times throughout the video I could hear your computer fan blowing(try to work on that).
the gameplay wasnt bad, remember that you dont have to upload everything, uploading a dungeon(if thats what they are) playthrough is one thing, but if the next 7 minutes is you playing around in the menu's then i'd recommend cutting some if not all of that part out.
your thumbnails and logo are ok.