How's my Script?

Dipperr_

Dipperr_

Member
I'll just paste it in here. If you can, can you give me ideas to make it longer?

Title: Kids that go to School 1
Script

OPENING

Hey what is up guys welcome to episode #1 of kids that go to school (planning on making this a series) anyways I've been thinking about making a series like this for a while and now I guess I'm finally doing it! So anyways lets get into this.

WHO IS THE VAPER?

The vaper is the kid that comes to school with a rats nest in his hair, sits in the back of the class, gets bad grades (but he/she does not care because in the back of their mind they know that when they get home they know they will be hitting their 3000W "fog machine" vape pen), lies about his dad/mom being dead (even though you watched their mom/dad pick them up from school, and is always trying to pick fights with the kid that roasts them during the rap battle after school.

WHY DO THEY DO WHAT THEY DO?

The "vaper" is the "vaper" becuase it tastes good. Because it gives them their fix of attention. Because it looks cool. (Emphasize (Becuase they want to be the vape god). Seriously look at these photos of this kid at my school that vapes. (look at photos, talk s**t about them, talk about their clothes.)

SO, WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY GET HOME?

When the vaper gets home, their mom greets them at the door. The vaper pushes them aside, goes down into their room in the basement, gets out their Flip Camera, sticks their vape pen in their bong (thats foreshadowing for another episode) starts recording, and takes a (Emphasize (FAT rip). They then go on their MacBook (probably stole it (thats more foreshawdowing for another episode)), opens up iMovie, puts in EDM music, renders it (sarcastic(and clicks share to instagram and vine!).

IN CONCLUSION

The "vaper" should not be messed with. If you mess with them, they will call their dead dad and have their dead dad fight your dad. All jokes aside, thanks for watching my videos guys. Peace.

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This work is licensed under a
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Is this something that would go over some sort of visual, or is it a talking head of you describing it? If it's the latter, you may want to personalize the character a little bit more, give him/her a name and not just attributes of a generalized character, if you know what I mean. To me, your script sounds more like a character description I'd read at the beginning of a script in which this character then does something.

If this is for introductory purposes, I would pad it out with some story, not just what they're like, but what is going to happen, or has happened, in terms of the plot.
 
I really like the feel of this script, the only this is that it would be kinda boring to just talk. If you could have some clips of the "Vaper" being in the school while you doing a voice-over of the script (partially). The thing is that so many people already do what you're trying to do, so if you want to do this series. You'll have to try to make it more original.
 
WannaBeDerp said:
I really like the feel of this script, the only this is that it would be kinda boring to just talk. If you could have some clips of the "Vaper" being in the school while you doing a voice-over of the script (partially). The thing is that so many people already do what you're trying to do, so if you want to do this series. You'll have to try to make it more original.
Click to expand...
I'm trying to make it more original thanks for the advice
 
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