Can I Get Script Feedback?

[Unknown_User12]

So I wrote a script for a series I plan on starting, it's the fictional history of factions in Call of Duty using cinematic clips. I'd love some feedback on how to rework it. Some parts are meant to be serious, but others (especially the ending) should be taken lightly.
Here's the link to the file. It's view only so leave feedback here, I don't want people writing on the draft obviously haha: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CQ-CTTOjSUFbLt8B6kHtmRyoj_9xUFfUmdHPPCHzpTg/edit?usp=sharing

 

[Dee]

It's nicely written and the flow is good but it seems to essay-like. I'm guessing your audience is going to be about 70+ percent teenage-ish males so you should write to suit the target.

Keep this draft as a guide but you should definitely work more jokes into this and not make it seem like it's very documentary driven. Adjust the tone so it would be like you're telling your friends about the Militia. I hope that helps a bit

 

[Unknown_User12]

It's nicely written and the flow is good but it seems to essay-like. I'm guessing your audience is going to be about 70+ percent teenage-ish males so you should write to suit the target.

Keep this draft as a guide but you should definitely work more jokes into this and not make it seem like it's very documentary driven. Adjust the tone so it would be like you're telling your friends about the Militia. I hope that helps a bit

It's actually meant to be mostly formal, similar to Call of Duty Origins. It's not supposed to be light hearted or joking, minus a few jokes/puns