First of all not sure about the thumbnail. I'm a gamer as well. One thing I noticed was there were points you weren't talking (you're the girl right?) and I don't understand what you are trying to accomplish.
If you look at MinnesotaBurns who does comedy gameplays he does a preview, and then an intro, then gameplay, then conclusion in a lot of his older videos (not always). It's a formula that seems to work. Yours just seems... I don't know.... messy. That might help out a bit.
Also if you look at the channel I gave as an example, he does intros while he's muted and stuff. He edits out fluffyness. And sometimes his voice overs aren't matching the gameplay. It other words he takes the funny bits and puts it over whatever game play he has up. However you don't have to do that but it's good if I you to cut out all the "boring" talk and get straight to the gold and it's great to also keep the video seamless.
Hopefully some of this is helpful