Hey i new here so take my review with a grain of salt Your editing is what shines through on this video. i would try to work on your commentary a bit more try. Your voice is very quite, don't be afraid to speak louder. Also your voice was only coming through on one audio channel (the left earphone) instead of both which can make a unpleasant viewing experience.
Not bad I guess. It a turn off for me considering it a Fortnite videos but at least it a short one. Voice is kinda quiet, need to make it hype without being annoying if you know what I mean. Nice edits by the way.
First things first - Fix your YTTalk channel link. It leads no where.
I didn't like having to wait 20 seconds before getting to the beef. I think you'll see a big drop in audience retention.
Is it important to use up a lot of that time to disclose that it's a collab video?
Your voice is only coming through the left channel. Change it so that it comes via both. What are you using to edit/record?
Commentary comes with time. I hear a bit of unnaturalness in your tone and delivery. But that'll get better as you do more of them. You could practice on your own whenever you play something. You could record it and then critique yourself. Just keep at it. Very rarely do you see someone excellent in their first video.